8 Jun 2015

Accepting It's My Last Baby

Alex recently turned ten months. The time between his birth and now has come and gone at lightning speed. I literally cannot believe that my little baby is soon no longer a baby, but a bona fide toddler.

This time last year, I was heavily pregnant and looking forward to our new arrival. Images keep popping up on my Timehop and various other picture feeds showing me and my big baby belly, and I can’t deny that looking at them fills me with a strange and unexpected sense of melancholy and sadness.

To tell the truth, I’m struggling a little to accept that the baby stage will be over soon. 

That Alex is my last baby. 

That I will never ever hold a newborn, my newborn, in my arms, meet my new baby, smell that gorgeous unique baby smell, touch the soft flock of hair and gently stroke that delicate skin and soak up all the features and quirks of a little baby.

Maybe it’s because of this that I have become a little obsessed with babies lately – which is quite unusual for me. Anyone who has known me for a while will attest that I have never been an overly maternal kind of person. I used to coo over other peoples’ babies just like the next person, but I was always ok to hand them back and walk away again. But now, I just can’t get enough of them. I just LOVE babies.

It doesn’t help that, having immersed myself in the parent blogger scene, I am surrounded by #Babyspam (not that I mind!) and gorgeous #Instababies and other baby-dominated social media feeds: pregnant bellies on show that turn into newborn snaps; those newborn snaps becoming first milestone pics and so on, and all of this just keeps highlighting how fast time is flying and how rapidly my baby is growing up.

It’s making my heart heavy at the thought that I’ve already had this, done that, and that my baby is (too) quickly growing up. 

That Alex is indeed my last baby.

I'm not broody, it’s not that. Honestly.  I’m very happy with my lot, and very grateful to have my perfect little pair, my gorgeous little girl and boy who make our family complete. 

John and I always wanted two kids, and we are still in complete agreement over it.

And yet, I’m finding it hard to let go and to accept that with every day my children grow, this chapter of my life is closing.

I have to remind myself that what I’m really missing and mourning is “just” the baby stage. That I want to experience more babies, but not have more children, if that makes sense, and that babies will of course, eventually, grow into children.

I’m happy with our decision to stop at two. Two is the perfect number for us.

I just wish it didn’t go so darn fast. And that they could be babies for longer.



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16 comments

  1. My 2nd is 6 months and we have not decided if he is our last child. The road to have a 2nd was not easy and sadness-free so I just don't know if I want to try for another. I keep thinking I just need to try hard to cherish him because I may have lots of "last" moments with him. Such a hard decision and completely understand hard it must be. I look forward to hearing more about your stories in the future.

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  2. Thank you! I'm finding it much harder than I ever thought, knowing that each experience is one of those "last moments". But I guess that's normal. I'm being told by my friends that most Mums have gone through this, and once the kids are older and life generally becomes easier, we just embrace this and don't look back, so I'm hoping that will be the case. :-)

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  3. Hi! I have struggled to have number two and following 6 months of IVF and two further fails, I have found myself exhausted and at a point where I have had to accept that there will be no more babies in our household. I understand when you say you start to obsess with babies - not like me at all, and that it´s not broodiness, it´s something else. I´ve heard a lot recently that life often gives you what is best, and that sometimes you have to accept the wonderful things you have not the things you don´t/won´t have - it´s very true, but very hard! #sharewithme

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    1. Definitely. Focusing on what we have and not looking back is the right thing to do . It's all part of life, kids growing up, I just wish they could be babies for a teeny bit longer. :-)

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  4. I used to be upset that little man was my last. But I am now over that stage and like to think of the fun things we can do together as they grow up x

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    1. Yes, there are so many more precious moments to come, and I do look forward to experiencing them with my two (whilst soaking up all the last bits of baby stage) :-).

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  5. Life took that decision from me as I was older when I had the Tubblet, then Rev T went back to college to train so by the time we were in a position to have another one I was too old! Part of me is sad, another thinks that I've been blessed with what I have so have no right to complain.

    A lovely, thought provoking post,. #sharewithme

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    1. Things come as they are meant to be, I'm sure. Enjoy your little one and all those precious moments are they grow up!

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  6. I just read a post about all the things you buy that your baby never uses and it made me realise that the baby years are far behind us (my youngest turns three next month!). I don't feel it as keenly as you but every now and again you see a picture or even a gorgeous baby in real life and it does give you a bit of kick in the ovaries :-) Lots of lovely things to look forward to though I reckon. Xx #sharewithme

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    1. I love how you're describing it as "kick in the ovaries", that's it. I am looking forward to Alex growing up, too, and all his other milestones and his relationship with his sister developing, so need to focus on that. :-)

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  7. I'm unsure if we will have any more children other than Little Miss Vista. But I get you completely, the thought of her being my last (and only) baby makes me feel very sad. But I try to think of the firsts we have to come through the next few years.
    Lovely post #sharewithme

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    1. There are so many more great things to come. My daughter is four now and she still amazes us every day. Lots to look forward to, I know, so we must focus on that!

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  8. Exactly the same position - my last baby has just turned 10 months! Also only ever intended two, but sad that baby days are vanishing. But I remind myself that you will always have to stop at some point, & you will always feel sad that they are growing up so fast. No matter how many babies you have, you cannot delay the inevitable & hold on to baby days forever. Lovely post. #brilliantblogposts

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    1. That is very true! I can't keep having kids - eventually I'd have to stop, whether it's my second or tenth. I'm definitely happy with our two, just have to take even more pics and videos so I can capture those lovely baby moments. :-) x

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  9. Oh hunny I can relate so much to this MM is my last baby and she turns 2 next week and I can't get over it and it's just like an era has been closed and only realizing now that she is my last I wish I could go back and make it all go very slowly and savor it all. It goes too fast doesn't it? Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. Hope to see you again tomorrow for another great round. #sharewithme

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  10. I have to tell you that, having been certain that I would be completely satisfied with two babies, I have come to the realization that I want to adopt. I'd love to have children in the house to raise until I'm too old to do it any more. My twins are 9, and I think part of the way that I can best nurture them to be independent is for me to take my babying instincts out on a younger sibling!

    Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday!

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