17 Jun 2016

The Fear


This week has been once again filled with more tragic news of horrible acts of hatred, mass killings and pointless violence, here in the UK and across the globe. Not a day goes by without wars, killings, acts of terrorism, racism or other heinous crimes dominating our TV screens or making headline news in the papers. It seems like our world has gone bonkers. And it worries me. A lot.

Since I've become a mother, these kinds of things really affect me. A lot more than they used to. I've always been a bit of a worrier and overthinker, but now, even more so than ever, I feel a level of fear that I have rarely felt before.

I worry about the kind of world my two precious little kids are going to grow up in. What kind of future lies ahead. And what I can do to protect them from the evils and dangers out there. How little I can realistically do to protect them. And sometimes the fear can be overwhelming.

It's not the kind of world I want for them.

It's not the kind of world I grew up in.

And it's not the kind of world I understand.

So how can I guide Alex and Becky through it? How can I ever explain it to them?

Luckily they are too small yet to process or make any kind of sense of what they might pick up here or there. But at some point they will start to ask questions, and I don't think I will have the answers.

Since I've become a Mum, life seems so much more precious - my kids' lives, but also my own and John's. And I worry that something could ever happen to either of us. Because what would happen to my kids? I have to be there for them, therefore I have to keep myself safe as much as them. Because when you become a parent, it's no longer just about you. It's about the little people you've created. And you suddenly have so much more to lose than ever before.

I worry as much about the little and silly things as over big things. I worry about the what if-s and the what if not-s.

I panic when I lose sight of Becky for a second in the park, paralysed by fear that something could have happened to her, that someone could have hurt her and I missed it and failed to protect her.

I worry about things like flying or traveling, about being in crowded places and I hold my breath every time I go into London, a city I've always utterly adored, or use the tube and thank the heavens every time I make it back into my little village, safe and sound and into the arms of my kids.

If I could, I would never leave them out of my sight, I would never part from them and cocoon us all into a little bubble. But of course that's not possible.

But how do you handle The Fear?

I guess the best we can do is try to live the most normal life we can, a life full of love and laughter, as much as this sounds like a cliche.

So I have to try and not let The Fear take over, as hard as it sometimes feels, and instead live a more conscious life, enjoy it and love, hold and cuddle my babies more than ever before, and raise them with a strong sense of love, safety and respect instead of hatred, fear and intolerance.

Because you never know what the next day will bring. Because life is precious, and it can be over in seconds.

* Linking up with Mummy Fever and #ShareWithMe

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2 comments

  1. Oh gosh I certainly share your fear and think so many of these things. My older two are starting to ask questions now which makes things harder as a lot of things I wonder how I can even begin to explain them. Thanks for linking up to #sharewithme

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  2. I hear you honey! I'm definitely more of a worrier since becoming a parent. I see everything as a threat or a potential accident. The boys have started to sound me out now though, they just want to have fun!
    #sharewithme

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